Monday, January 30, 2012

Laugh or die

One priceless lesson I've learned in dealing with the dark side of autism is that laughter is a MUST-HAVE every day. It becomes just as essential as stuff like air, water, purple pens and Little Debbie Cosmic Brownies. I had two days of pleasantness with Nabeel, then last night I paid for it dearly. He screamed himself to sleep, and it was so loud, my older spawn said he heard it from the sidewalk outside. Lovely. What will the neighbors think? IDRGAF. I got up this morning with a positive attitude, then he woke up ... and screamed again.

I went to work with a horrible headache and a nasty, mean, FML attitude. I snapped at people and frowned. I tried to have a positive thought around 1:45 p.m., but it was repelled by my nasty, mean, FML attitude. If not for hearing the sexy voice of my overseas love on the phone first thing this morning, I would have been in an even nastier, meaner, FMLer mood.

His voice is as thrilling as that moment when you're at a restaurant starving and waiting, about to start eating your napkins and gnawing on the edge of the table. And you even contemplate ordering two appetizers because you feel like you'll die of starvation waiting for the main dish to arrive. Then finally! You see your food coming toward you on a platter, and all your internal organs get the warm and fuzzy feeling. Yea, that's what his voice is like. Mmmmmm ... Solace.

Another absolutely necessary and vital component of daily autism survival therapy is friendship. A perfect example is the photo you see of Heinz Spotted Dick sponge pudding. Only a true and loyal friend would text that to me saying "I saw this and thought of you!" Little did she know, she made me LMFAO for like 10 minutes and helped me feel a whole lot better. I'm definitely a fan of Spotted Dick sponge pudding, even though I never heard of it prior to 2:29 p.m. today via BFF text and even though its name gives off an STD vibe. It's so incredibly awesome that I don't even need another graphic in this blog post.

Innuendos linked to Spotted Dick:

It STANDS alone
Is a perfect GAG gift
It's HARD to come by

Thank you, Heinz. I love your ketchup, and now I love your Spotted Dick.

Saturday, January 21, 2012

Autism vs. Neesha: iScream

I can't afford an iPad, but I do have an iScream, a.k.a. Nabeel. Thanks to autism, I've become really good at yawning. I can even do several different kinds. I can yawn silently, where it looks like I'm screaming with no sound. I can yawn with my eyes wide open, making me look like I'm horrified. I can do the one with the sigh all the way through. Sometimes I use the one with the mini-scream right in the middle part. Oh, and the one with the "Kkhhhhhh" sound towards the end, I can do that too.

I doze off at work all the time lately, and people probably assume I'm a party animal. Well, I sure am. Oreos party in my mouth all the time, especially when I'm stressed to the max. I pretend each Oreo is someone I don't like, and I crush them mercilessly between my choppers. That makes me feel better, unless the Oreo is inside-out like this one. I mean, seriously? Even my Oreos are screwing with me? I give up.

Nabeel's scream-a-thons have now claimed my nights as well as my sanity. The other day, I woke up at 2:30 a.m. thinking there was an earthquake in Houston, Texas, because the walls were rattling. But it was just him in his room, screaming his lungs out, projectile spitting, slapping himself and banging on the walls. I have yet to meet anyone who knows what this is like.

My heart goes out to my baby. I know it's awful playing my role in all this, but I cannot imagine what he must be going through. He didn't ask to be this way. I always tell myself that. I was chosen to be his mom, an honor I cherish. Many people ask me how I cope with all of this. First of all, prayer! I'd be nowhere without my wireless connection to the Big Boss. I have the best hubby in the world (who's abroad, but always there for me), and my super cool, loving circle of friends who are always on text support (once they're awake). It's not easy at times, but I try lots of different methods of stress relief ...

MUSIC! Can't do without it. It calms the soul. I'm a fan of oldies from all genres. And just so you know, you cannot be in a bad mood while disco music is playing, you just can't. I keep it alive, and I'm not even ashamed to admit it. I like classical sometimes too. It soothes the savage me.

Must have Netflix account! I did without it for a long while, but broke down and got it back. It's like the friend who doesn't sleep and who answers my plea for comfort 24/7 (as long as I pay my internet bill, that is). This is the very spot where I became addicted to Law & Order: SVU & CI, The Office and 30 Rock.

Yes, food is a given, particularly chocolate food.

And another one should be a given, as well ... Yup. You're looking at it right now. My blog. It's for my sanity, my business promotions, my sense of humor and for sharing every day madness.

This directly relates to my one major source of relaxation -- writing. I couldn't survive without my laptop or, at least, pen and paper. I have to jot all the time. It's essential, just like daily vitamins and minerals.

I'll let you ponder all that, while I dash off to do laundry. Happy Saturday to all!


Thursday, January 19, 2012


As promised, here are the links to the Awkward Moments blog series from yesteryear. "Curse of the Red Moon" has to be my fav. That's when my skirt dropped at the busy international airport in Trinidad, and I mooned dozens of innocent people at the security checkpoint. Yea, that was something to be remembered. I assure you, they're all worth a read. So, save this link, and tackle it as "something to read when I'm bored and need something to read" material.

My regular blog post is beneath all the linky links.

#9 Don't hate, enunciate -

#8 To see or not to see -

#7 - All in a day's quirk

#6 Curse of the red moon

#5 Right hair waiting

#4 Indecent proposal

#3 Nursing school drop out

#2 One hazard of texting and walking

#1 The awkward moments collection

While I've been on the topic of the Awkward Moments blog post revival, I started thinking of other things (from back in the day) that I wish would come back.

Like ...
Yo! MTV Raps Returns for 1
I remember when I used to leap off the steps of the school bus and sprint into the house, drop myself Indian style (no pun intended) on the floor, all excited because "Yo! MTV Raps" would start minutes after I got home. I love me some old school rap, yo. I still jam that in my car all the time, yo (so-to-speak). I find it to be quite stress relieving, yo. It's good-mood music to me, yo.

And reminds me of a time when life was bill-free and body fat-free. I don't like what MTV has become since then. Sigh ...

I guess I like things that remind me of childhood. I loved the hell out of disco and funk music as a mini-human. I was a big time Michael Jackson fan, especially in those days. I'm not ashamed to say that I still rock the boogie in my car now and then! Not all of it is cheesy, okay. Here's one of my favorite Jackson post-disco hits.
Disco is cool to jam when you're cleaning house or when you're pissed off.

(Heads up ... this may be a blog post by itself one of these days. I have so much to say about disco.)

Another item I wish would come back is ... money. Is it still green? I haven't seen any in so long that I forgot. Sometimes I dream about it. I may get to see some soon, because I got my light bill today and realized I paid it twice by accident. Who does that? So, since I don't have to pay it thrice, I may be reunited with some good old dead presidents pretty soon. Momma needs a new pair 'a shoes! (I really don't, but just felt like saying that.)

That's it for now, sugars!

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Awkward Moment #10: I meant to do that

I feel very unique. Like the chosen one. Like I'm 1 in a million, because I probably am, in regards to the topic of this post. I bet I am only one of a few people, animals or insects – drunk or sober – who can sincerely say the following phrase:

“I slipped and semi-fell at Twin Peaks during the busy lunch hour, because my cute, red pumps turned into roller skates.”
In case you're wondering, that isn't me in the picture. And this is not my art (The site is, but I couldn't resist because the chick has on red pumps. And the image's caption is so true!
For those who don’t know of said eatery, it’s basically like a Hooters, only way more risqué, and it looks like they only hire waitresses between the ages of 18-18 1/2. And no, there was no banana peel on the floor, just the floor … the shiny, slippery, polished floor that didn't get along with my adorable red pumps, although I walked in the place just fine, so wtf.

Die of humiliation.  
Quit your job and move to another city.
Click the heels of your red pumps together and say, "There's no place like home."
Change your identity and get a new face.
Pretend you're injured just to be a drama queen, and get free coupons because they fear a lawsuit.
Say, "Psshh! I meant to do that. What? You thought I really fell?" 
Point at some random guy, and accuse him of pushing you.
Look around to count how many people were chuckling at your misfortune, and go punch them all in the face.
Start a food fight. 
Try to close your eyes and teleport yourself to another planet. 
Well,  I did none of the above, tyvm. Embarrassment doesn’t register in my brain anymore, since I built up an immunity due to lifelong over exposure. The bigger irony is that I spoke of a fall-n-flash incident earlier today (which will be Awkward Moment #11), and lo and behold, I effin jinxed myself! (smdh)
It was ironic that shortly after I’d taken a phone pic of this ketchup bottle image, I nearly ended up in the same position. 
I’m a girly girl AND a reporter, so you know there’s no way I could have kept this to myself, which most people would have done. I had to tell my besties AND write a story because that’s what I do breast best. I snatch up all the awkward opportunities life tosses at me, write a blog post and turn a negative into ... more blog hits. 

“At least you made someone in there smile who may have been having a bad day.” - My sweet, positive-thinking, trying-to-make-me-feel-better husband

“Oh my GOD! NO. That did NOT happen (covers face).” - Co-worker
“Oh shit. Sorry. At least you didn’t break anything. That would be an awkward place to report an injury from lol.” - Friend1

“WTF. You sure you weren’t just trying to get a closer look at the waitresses, lol. I’ll have to remember that trick next time I go there. Good one!” - Friend2
“(After hearing the whole story from my perspective) LMAO! That is pretty funny!!!! I was at work and just got back from the restroom and walked into the cafeteria with a long piece of TP hanging out the back of my pants. I was so embarrassed. Luckily, it wasn’t used. I don’t sit on public toilets and always throw the first couple sheets of TP away in case anyone touched it (yes, I’m a weird germaphobe like that).” - Friend3, sharing own awkward moment of the day

“Damn, did you hurt yourself? Or anyone else lol Damn woman, you're so accident prone. Remember the elevator door incident?”  - Friend4
“Oh lawd!!! Girl, I can’t imagine that! That's funny but not funny, but more funny. hehehe”  - Friend5

 There's always a bright side. Here are 5:
1. This is why I love my friends. They make any situation bearable with their quirky comments.

2. I will convince myself the gigglers were laughing with me not at me. The end. 

3. There are worse things that could have happened today, like being annihilated by fire-breathing dragons, but didn't.

4. I didn't DIE.

5. I got a blog post out of it, and a reason to revive The Awkward Moments series that was such a big hit before.

Come back and visit me tomorrow for Awkward Moment #1, a revival of the blog series. Thanks for being here. :)

Monday, January 9, 2012

A very random memorandum

Random memorandums are way more fun. I ate six oranges from 9 a.m. to 2:27 p.m. I missed the trash basket twice when I tried to make an orange peel 3-pointer. I gave up. Got up. Slam dunked it instead.

I surfed the net until everything started looking the same. I busted out laughing for no reason. I drank two sips of water. I made a poster but then deleted it. I dumped out my purse to organize it but got lazy, so I just dumped everything right back in and stayed at square 1.

I was watching "Three's Company" reruns. It's so weird how poor Jack Tripper had to pretend to be gay in order to room with two hot chicks. Times have SO changed. (Thank goodness!)

I have no idea wtf a vaginal mesh is, but I saw this commercial about 93 times today. I'm thinkin' it's pretty serious stuff.  I feel sad for whomever this affects, and I sure hope it ain't me. If it wasn't for the lazy, procrastinator'ish feeling I have right now, I'd Google it and find out. Ehhh, maybe tomorrow.
I'm not a hater, and I don't bash any form of creativity but I'm pretty much done with antlers and Rudolph noses on cars (it's January!), flash mobs and planking. If my personal friends are in a flash mob, I'm all about it, otherwise, NO. Watch how Dwight handles plankers!

This is the link to one of my absolute favorite 31-second Michael moments from The Office!!!

Bros before hoes

Do you ever just say "yea" or "OK" to things because the person said it like three times and you still have no idea what they said? I just did that. Hope I didn't agree to anything that could make me poorer or inappropriater.

See ya when I see ya!

Saturday, January 7, 2012

Stuff I learned today


My kitchen and upstairs bathroom are undergoing some renovation this weekend, so I was stuck in my room most of the day, as were my spawn. Construction is quite noisy, to say the least, and we had it on both floors. While trapped in my room, I realized that no matter where you are or what you're doing, life is a definite learning experience. Here are five things I learned today while stuck in my unavoidable time-out.

1. You should never eat an orange while the taste of Reese's Peanut Butter Cups is still in your pie hole.

2. Autism + Construction in the home = panic attacks. My poor kiddo. All the noise was just too much for him. I sent my oldest to pick up food, and Nabeel seemed disappointed with McDonald's but he ate it. An hour later, he was mumbling and sounding like he was about to lose it, so I noticed 2 extra nuggets in the McD's bag. I thought I was doing a great thing by surprising him with extra chicken nuggets, but when he saw them, he flipped out because there were no extra FRIES to accompany them. Silly, me! *growl* After that, there was no escape, so I had to put him in the Jeep and take him for a ride, leaving the workers at the house. It was an emergent need for fresh air and fries. Talk about a plan backfiring. =/

3. The Kroger brand pain relief pills actually work. I was sitting on my bed so long that I think I welded myself into the fabric and couldn't move anything but my arms. Aleve was on the dresser. Kroger pain pills were on the bedside table. Headache erased within 25 minutes via drug that was closest to my arms.
4. If I sit in one spot for too long, Cabin Fever will set in and make me think I'm seeing spiders on the walls, but it's not. It's either a spot that had a thumb tack and left a hole; an irregular splotch of paint that isn't your fault; a spot from something that nicked the wall; or just my bored imagination. I must say, if it is a real spider, I have a knack for eyeballing those bitches like you wouldn't believe! I can detect them even if they're in my peripheral vision and are nearly microscopic. Just sayin' ...

5. If you let your mind be idle for too long, there's a chance that it will get abducted by Al Jarreau songs. I had this one stuck between my ears yesterday, and I have no idea how it got there. If this song ever randomly pops in your head, you need to get up immediately and rejoin civilization, even if it's just 20 minutes of people interaction. Go to Wal-Mart, just do something to save yourself!

Friday, January 6, 2012

My book becomes a reality


For the past several months, you have all heard me gabbing about this book I've been writing for umpteen years and that it's finally finished. Well, today, I'll elaborate on that so you know wassup, and what to expect! I'll even give you a sneak peak of the book cover. ;-)

It's the biggest project of my crazy life and is a compilation of many, many things I've seen, heard, done, imagined and experienced. You go through things in life, experience things, daydream about things and then wonder, "Why the hell did that just happen? What was the point of it all?" Well, as a writer, everything turns into a story. And this book validates all I've seen and experienced. I started it in 2006 and didn't get much done in the midst of being a mom, a full-time student and working. I'm no famous author, just a normal writer who loves what I do and poured a whole lot of thoughts into a Word document.

My mom taught me how to fully read by age 5, which kickstarted my obsession with words even from that age. It was love at first letter, been hooked ever since. I was a bullied kid, but survived. I entered spelling bees but my shyness and fear of bullies hindered my success. Junior high was a nightmare. I went through a depression as a kid. High school was no better, still got bullied a whole lot, which became mainly about race and religion (among other things). Then I got preggo. Became a mom and wife by 18. Career dreams - screeching halt. Odd jobs. Bills. Marriage. One too many life lessons learned the hard way. Had two amazing sons, the youngest of which has autism - another of life's hardest lessons that I'm still enduring. Still birth, lost son #3. *tear* Then divorce. *tears dried* Moved back home with my babies. Lived out of folks' living room for 7 years to put myself through school. Earned BA in Communication. VP gave me a standing ovation after telling my life story during UHCL commencement ceremony, a milestone moment. Couple more odd jobs, then landed a gig as a public relations specialist/journalist at NASA. Moved into a nice rent house. Kids and I finally have our own space. Survived a couple heartbreaks, a layoff (got my job back), debt up to my eyeballs and autism rollercoaster rides to hell and back. Survived a 9-month depression. Met the man of my dreams. Started a writing business and blog. Made the best friends of my life.

And now ... after a lifetime of having to push it aside. 

I wrote a book. :) My life's biggest project, and something I've only dreamed of doing since I was a kid.

It's in peer review right now, and the plan is to indie publish it on Amazon within the next few weeks. Tonight, as a thank you for reading my blog, I will share with my readers, for the first time ever ... my book cover. I took the photo myself while in an airplane coming back home from Trinidad. You are the first to see it. Thank you all for your support. It's appreciated so much more than you can imagine. :)

Thursday, January 5, 2012

Disturbing images are disturbing

I wander through life trying to do three things: stay alive, laugh a whole lot and take pictures of things that disturb me. Those may not be the most popular three things to put on a daily to-do list, but I'm not an average broad. Wherever I roam, I always find weird things. I'm not complaining. I'm actually rejoicing that the world is so full of blog material. Now come along. Let's take a look at some of my unforgettable finds.

Most people who know me well, know that I detest grass. This is a perfect example of why I don't trust, nor feel comfy and cozy anywhere near this green abyss of piss that is also full of bugs, insects, poop, shoe discharge, spit and a lot more junk that is normally unseen at a glance. *Bleh*

Right, so I'm browsing through a friend's gift catalog and stumble upon this gem. Or should I say "these" gems. I like it because it's disturbing, yet disgustingly hilarious. And I wish I knew a golfer who would appreciate such a gift.

I got thirsty at Dollar General the other day and went to look for the water fountains. After I found them, I suddenly became very un-thirsty. Not sure why ...

I enthusiastically logged in to Groupons to see what hot deals I could find. Now ... either I'm a complete dumbass or this ad makes no effin' sense. If you can decipher this for me, please do. Otherwise, I'm gonna ask for sardines next time I go to the movies.

Oh yea? Is that right? Hiring "most" positions, eh. So, if I'm interested, am I supposed to just follow you or pull up next to you and holla, because I don't see a contact number. *smdh*

"Mommy, why is Santa begging us to sell our gold?" Good question, spawn! Santa is better known for GIVING, not taking. This is one of my favorite disturbing images I took. Imagine little kids who fully believe in the Cringle and what they must feel when they see him panhandling on the roadside, stalking cars. I'm not a kid, nor do I believe in Santa, and this creeped me out.

Thank you for paying attention to me. See you again soon! And next time, bring your friends. *wink*

Wednesday, January 4, 2012

Do you see what I see

I'm fascinated by the sky. Always have been. When you read my book, you will see how I incorporated that into the character's profile. *wink*

If I'm out at night, I have to gaze up at the starry sky before walking into the house. I love rain and thunderstorms. Once upon a time, I wanted to be a meteorologist, but I hate chemistry and math, so I became a writer. The alphabet was always my first love anyway. Another aspect of the sky that is fascinating to me - cloud formations. Here are some I've seen lately. Do you see what I see?

Cloud smooching

Giant lizard attacking city




 And that's all I got for today! See you soon!

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

Laziness is bliss

I was a single mom for 10 years, so I know what sacrifice means. But I also know another form of sacrifice. The kind that falls upon you when you're too lazy to do something and would rather do without it than make the effort. What? You need an example? Fine, but only because it doesn't require me to get up. I'll just unlock my brain for a while and let you into my lazy cortex ...

Sometimes I sacrifice watching TV if the remote control is more than four inches out of my reach.

Wash the last remaining spoon in the sink? Meh! I'll do it later; I'm pretty wiped out from washing the other two spoons. (This one reminds me of a hilarious video my son showed me some years ago. )

I may pass out from exhaustion if I walk all the way to the closet to hang this one shirt. I'll just toss it over the closet door for now.

The cell phone battery and my gas tank, I view with a similar logic. If it's at least half full, it can wait another day. I mean, should I get up off my cozy bed to walk five steps in the direction of my phone charger? *looks at phone and sees it's half charged* Nah! I'll do it later.

Making a call takes so much energy. I hate sitting on hold, and I really don't feel like moving my lips to speak. And if I call, that means I'll have to "listen," which is even more work. I'll just call later, or maybe I can email them instead (even though the response is days rather than instant in some cases.)! That way, I don't have to make the call OR listen. Yea, that's what I'll do!

*sends email and never gets a reply ... ends up having to call*

I must say that checking voice mail is such hard work. You have to push all these buttons, then listen, then decide on the spot whether or not you want to save or delete. I mean, decision-making is yet another form of work. What if I don't know what I wanna do with the message right now? 

I really need to write something down, but the closest pen is like way over there on the dresser. I'll just try to remember it. *completely forgets it in two minutes*

I don't feel like cooking ... *looks in freezer for something to toss in the oven* At least I'm helping to keep microwaves and stoves out of the unemployment line!

One thing that sucks is when you have to actually snail mail something. This requires a walk all the way to the mailbox at the front of the house. Who has time to walk down their driveway?

Monday, January 2, 2012

It's a way of life

If you saw my Facebook status earlier, then you already know about my condition. Its street name is go-to-the-store-for-one-thing-and-leave-with-20 syndrome. The proper name of this very serious condition is Shoppolococcus Maximus. You may have it and not even know it! If you suffer from these symptoms, you could very well be an SM carrier:

For me it's definitely #2. I'm working on that. I must! Because I have all those symptoms. I leave the store carrying all these bags, yet I feel like I just left the casino, stripped of the cash I took in hopes of leaving with that and some.

I stand at the checkout counter and twitch each time another item is scanned, wondering why I even came to the store in the first place.

When I try to pull out my debit card, suddenly I can't find it. It's like it tries to hide from me to help me stop wasting money, and I rummage through my purse frantically until I find it. Then I exhale and swipe.

Just before I swipe, I take one last glance at the gum selection, wanting to reach for that pack of Ice Breakers, but NO! I've already spent too much! I don't have 85 more cents to splurge!

I start to daydream about my credit card balances, electric bill, water bill, Verizon bill, car payment, rent! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaah. What have I done. (sigh)

I'm so deep in contemplation, I almost don't even realize the cashier is waiting on ME for the last step, to push the accept button on the keypad. I snap out of dreamland and complete the transaction so the next person in line can stop giving me dirty looks, because I don't want a sudden case of slap-a-ho to go with my shoppolococcus maximus.

I put all the goods in my car, then I sit behind the steering wheel gazing upon this flimsy piece of dead tree, wondering wtf I bought for that huge amount of damage. I fine tooth comb it and brainwash myself to believe that I needed every item on there.

I will use those foam stick-on letters someday, dammit. It was only $2, come on. Everyone should have a box of foam letter stickers. Oh and that hot pink, sparkly boa, I totally needed that. I'll use it to decorate my cubicle at work. And who couldn't benefit from a 50 Ways to a Better You For Dummies book? No one is perfect, right, so there's always room for improvement. The magnetic mini erasers? Well surely I'll need those for when I buy a dry erase board ... one day. They were so cute and obviously needed a home.

I can fix this. I just won't go out to eat for a while ... I'll pack my lunch for the next week or 10 to make up for the budget slip-up. See, no worries. I got this!

Sunday, January 1, 2012

2012 Project 365

Well, here we are. It's 2012. A whole new year. A year I always imagined would be filled with flying cars, robots and food appearing at the push of a button. I guess I saw The Jetsons and Back to the Future too many times as a kid.

I look at every new year as a blank canvas with so many possibilities. I don't necessarily believe in resolutions, but I do believe in goal setting. It's kind of the same thing, but you don't need a new year for goal setting.
This blog post kicks off one of my new projects of 2012. The "P365." I tried it last year and failed, not ashamed to admit it. I planned to write a blog post every day of the year but ended at 214. I got distracted by love, marriage, illness and autism. So this year, I'm kind of doing something similar but more flexible. Instead of 365 blog posts, I will attempt to make something cool every day. It can be blog posts, poems, posters, cartoons, short stories, arts & crafts, interesting photos or ... silly visuals.
... sample of a silly visual. =)

2011 was a great year for me. Got a new vehicle after 11 years. I got a wonderful, loving husband.  My business,, came to life. This new blog was born, and I celebrated old and new friendships.

Here's a list of things I'd like to accomplish in 2012:

  • Publish my book on Kindle Direct Publishing by the end of January 
  • Watch a whole episode of "Psych" without wanting to break my TV
  •  Lose 15 lbs
  • Have a successful P365
  • Learn a new software
  • Take at least 1 writing course
  • Finish writing another book
  • Get a better smart phone
  • Catch up on "Criminal Minds"