Wednesday, May 9, 2012

5th grade follies

It's the weirdest thing! The month of May always reminds me of my 5th grade year. I guess a lot of crazy enough things happened to have branded me for life. Another thing is that I have an unbelievably good memory for things that are not exactly worthy of remembering. Ask me what I did yesterday, and I probably cannot tell you.

Here are the most memorable things from that school year. Tell me if you can understand why it still sticks with me at 36.


This popular boy named Chris was the Brad Pitt of 5th grade. All the chicks wanted to be his beau. I didn't like him that way because I thought he was nasty ever since I saw him pick his nose in the hallway one day. He traumatized me on the playground once when we looked at my chest and said, "Gross!!! You have big boobs! They're as big as my sister's, and she's in 7th grade. Yuck." Then, he walked off disgusted, and I was left standing there in amazement and humiliation, because other kids were staring and snickering. I'm sure his opinion of boobs changed in the next year or so.


It's no secret that I get along better with guys than gals. This has been the case since childhood. I always liked their company way more and not because of crushes or anything. I mean they were cooler to chill with than girls who were always getting mad for everything, had exclusive cliques and gave the silent treatment whenever they felt like it. This trend, I've found, doesn't stop in grade school as I have a running list of bitches who don't speak to me for whatever reason ... but, anyway.

This year our classes were in trailers outside the regular building. So in between classes, we were outside trailer hopping. As we all waited for the English class trailer door to open, we congregated on the steps for a bit. A group of guys with whom I so badly wanted to be considered cool were having a burping contest, or should I say belch since that sounds more nasty and accurate. I was watching them all swallow air then take turns letting out long, loud and disgusting face farts. I made my way over to them and decided that maybe they would like me if I face farted along with them. So I sucked in some serious air and let out a horrendously long belch. The entire group, fellas and everyone else all immediately stopped chattering and moving to stare at me in shock. Just when I thought I had hit popularity status, everyone expressed their disgust and shame at me, including the teacher who had opened the classroom door just in time to hear my amazing burp. She called me out in front of everyone, and I walked in the room in shame.

Birthday dough

Norma. The scariest, meanest bully in 5th grade. She had a nerve condition that caused her head and eyes to slightly shake from side-to-side. She loved to fight and stare people down. For my birthday that year, I got a brand new purse and $20. I was so proud of that, I stupidly decided to take it to school. After recess that day, I was the first to go back into the classroom, and Norma was in there with another scary boy doing a recess d-hall. She looked at me and said, "Hey, some guy just walked in here and went straight to your purse and stole your money. I saw him." I knew that wasn't true, and I knew it was her! But, I was too afraid of getting beaten up to say anything. Bye, bye birthday money, and hello tears of grief.


I was usually the teacher's trusty helping thanks to my nerdy and trustworthy demeanor. One day, the teacher asked me to take her cup and go inside the regular building to the water fountains and get her some water. I happily jumped at the chance to earn points with good ole teachy teach. But, as I approached the desk to grab the cup, a girl (who I couldn't stand) named Darilyn ran up and asked if she could go along with me. I was so angry, but the teacher seemed pleased and told her she could go with me. She was this perfect-looking princess, always wore matching, fancy dresses and accessories, always smiling and giggling and acted very shy and well-behaved. I was good, but not to that disgusting extent.

The second we left the classroom, her persona changed. She snatched the cup from me and said SHE was going to get the water. The little chicken shit that I was, I was horrified but didn't argue. As we walked she said, "My daddy calls me Curly Temple because my mom always curls my hair. Haha! You know, after Shirley Temple." I rolled my eyes and hoped she would fall down some stairs, but sadly the school was one story. We got to the water fountain and she filled the cup. Then, what she did next traumatized me. Miss perfect stuck her finger all the way up her nose then swooshed it around in the cup of water as though she were stirring a cup of coffee. She gave me an evil, threatening glance and said, "If you even think about telling on me, I will say YOU did this, and she WILL believe me!" I think I was too shocked to answer and just stared at her in horror as we walked back to class. She chatted my ear off the whole way back about stupid crap like dolls, cartoons and her daddy as if she didn't just put her boogers in the teachers water.

We walked in the classroom, and she went and handed the cup of boogery water to the teacher who thanked her kindly. Then Curly Temple gave me the meanest glare as if to say she would kill me if I said anything. I cringed as I watched the teacher sip the polluted water. And evil girl kept staring at me with warning eyes the rest of the day.


My little sis, and me holding my best friends.
This was also the year I fell in a huge mud puddle the ONE day I wore my brand new white jeans. I had to walk all muddy to the front office to wait for my dad who brought me some fresh, clean clothes. That trek through the school in muddy clothes was a humiliation unmatched. The pointing and giggling was enough to jumpstart my life as a future migraine sufferer.

My prized possessions that year were my Cabbage Patch doll and Pound Puppy (which I still have.)

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