My heart is still pounding nearly two hours after my son let out a random shriek that made me JUMP!
Life with my autistic teen and his spontaneous violent meltdowns has turned my life into a psychological thriller. No wonder I'm a writer! Life gives me tons of material. I look at the positive side. Yes, I watch him scream and smash things. My heart pounds when I'm startled by an unexpected shriek. I cry a whole lot, sometimes until it feels like my eyeballs are on the verge of popping out. I miss out on get-togethers and events I want to attend so badly. BUT he's alive and healthy for the most part, and I also get just as much affection as aggression. At 5-foot-8 and 186 pounds, his hugs are to die for, literally. He's a big teddy bear, but, similar to Bruce Banner, that t-bear turns into Teen Hulk in a split second. His triggers are unknown, and his case baffles even the professionals who work with him. No one knows how to help me, and I cannot afford the ones who probably can.
No matter how huge he gets, how many things he breaks or how many times he spits straight in my face during meltdowns, all I see is that little 2-year-old baby boy who used to drag my enormous purse that was the size of him across the living room toward me every day (like clockwork!) when I would walk out of the bathroom after a shower. He knew I would need my makeup bag, which was in my purse. He used to perch on the dresser and watch me do my hair and makeup. He painstakingly dragged that purse to me in my bedroom almost every day. This act of his amazed me every time, back then and still to this day when I think about it. He didn't speak or have much emotion, but he would always do that for me on his own accord ... at two years old! So I know there's a sweet kid in that autistic bubble. And I'm determined to bring him out, somehow!
I barely have a social life. It revolves around my lunch hour Monday-Friday, because that's the only time I can meet up with friends without having to worry about a babysitter. I'm a newlywed who hardly gets to spend time with my hubby, even when we're home! Talking annoys my son, so we always have to be quiet and on opposite floors of the house. We text each other; how 'bout that for conformity! He's definitely a winner. <3
My optimistic POV?
I have writing material, for one. My stress level has an ease as long as Earth's chocolate supply never goes extinct. I'm happily married, unlike some, according to many facebook stats I see! I'm not financially sound, but I can still afford cupcakes, whew! Golden Girls marathons crack me up when I need it most, at the end of a long day. At least he doesn't scream 24/7. I'm a loner most times, so Cabin Fever ain't so terrible. I'm never lonely or sad for long, once I have my book collection. The world will never be void of laughter. The painful, turbulent times make me tougher and more appreciative of every simple and complex thing in life, right down to this fluffy pillow I'm snuggling right now.
There, now I feel better, and it's time to watch SNL! Cheers to all, and thank you so much for stopping by.